You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
