Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
