It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
