and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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