The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
I just gift wrapped bread.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
