I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
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