You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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