i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
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