ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
