my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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