he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
