Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Just high enough for therapy.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Randomize
