I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I stole a fireplace last night.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
