Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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