I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
