I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
