You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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