i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
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