i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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