Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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