watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
