Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
