you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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