Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Randomize
