Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
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