He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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