Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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