I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
