he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
