Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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