it was like his penis was on wheels.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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