New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
