I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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