I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
