I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I party with great urgency now.
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