Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
