I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
