I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
3 2 1 whiskey
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
