'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I forget how to act sober
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
