It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
