i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
