New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
