how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
