i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
