Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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