She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
