Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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