I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
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