I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
