I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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