I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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