even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
