Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
