Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
