take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
