If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
