I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
