ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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