Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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