i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
