you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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