When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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