I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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