I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Drunk is a universal language darling
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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