the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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